Thursday, September 3, 2009

Let It Go: Functionality Doesn't Exist in the Dysfunctional

This post was inspired by a conversation with a nurse in my doctor's office that was having a rough day.

Relationship advice is a tough thing because you run the risk of being blamed if the advice doesn't work. You must first and foremost realize that your happiness and completeness will be drawn from you (who you are) and not from someone else. I don't give the kind of advice that is about 'what to do to keep him/her', 'how to keep him/her happy in the bedroom' or even 'how can I find out if he/she is cheating'. I will give advice (only when solicited) on how to move on from a relationship when it is has ended especially if children are involved.

There is no excuse for parents
(him/her) to not behave like mature adults when the relationship comes to an end because you have child(ren) people! No child needs to watch their parents behave like asses which makes the kids lives miserable all because you can't move on. Now I know that there are circumstances out there that are of a more serious nature that could involve violence (I am not speaking on those relationships except to say that you need to seek help and get the hell out). I am speaking on the relationships that have to do with adults not being able to let go of a bad relationship because they think that there is nothing else after the end of the relationship or they believe that their is some sense ownership of the other individual.

I speak from experience...because I have a daughter from a relationship that ended. The relationship ended for an array of reasons but the main one was that we really weren't good for each other because we wanted different things in life and nothing makes those differences painstakingly clear like bringing a life into the world! So, I/we decided to end the relationship but LOVE THE CHILD and there are no regrets about that decision. I won't lie and say that the situation doesn't have its ups and downs but the most important aspect--our child's well-being--makes those ups and downs extremely tolerable. My daughter's father and I have a great friendship because we respect each others right to happiness in whatever form that may be as long as we put our child first!

Parents must remember that it is not about you and your hangups, hurts or wrongs. You could hate the very site of the other individual (which believe me happened to me in the very beginning--it's alright you're entitled to that emotion--but it can't touch the kid).The child's relationship with their other parent should be based on their relationship with the other parent and not your damaged history with that parent. You must see past that and see that person as the other half of the beautiful creation that is your child because without them that child doesn't exist. It takes work but it is possible if people get over themselves and realize that life goes on whether we choose to get on board or not.

Make the trip worthwhile for yourself but most especially for your kids!

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