How Much Is Too Much to Give...When is Enough, Enough?

I didn't understand why I had been unable to shake the sadness I felt after hearing about Whitney Houston's death.  I have now realized that it was tied to a connection I felt because we both have daughters (we love without measure) that are our only children and also there was the despair I felt seeing that yet another Black woman's life is gone, seemingly after living a life that didn't make herself a priority. 

The title of this post asks a question that I see as a rally call to Black women. We are and have been the ones in society that are expected to give without reason until there is nothing left.  We are the ones that are expected to be available to everyone else but ourselves.  We are the ones that are expected and requested to accept less than what we desire and deserve for various reasons but none of them have anything to do with what is best for us. It is always about someone or something else.  We are the ones that have to save ourselves.

How much more?  How much are we willing to continue to give to anyone or anything that is not about our success and advancement in the pursuit of our best lives. The price requested/demanded is way too high and offers little to no chance of return on investment.  So why participate in any endeavor that does not have your best interest at heart.

We love to tell ourselves that we are doing what is best for the good of us all when we knowingly and willingly give the best of ourselves (expending energy, time and/or effort) to people or groups that have no intention or desire to encourage or support us in return.  Whether it is family, friends or community; making the decision to not make ourselves a priority is an effort riddled failure.

Failure to thrive (FTT) is terminology that is used in the medical world to describe those that have been denied the necessary requirements that would encourage emotional, mental and physical growth.  This term can be used to describe Black women collectively in the way that we are treated and regarded within the Black community and in society at large.  No one wants to admit that they have been malnourished by people that are supposed to care about you and that are supposed to want the best for you.  The malnourished don't usually realize the extent of the deprivation until it is too late.

Take a look at the life that you are currently leading.  Ask yourself if the life that you are living is the one that you want?  If not.  Change it.  Changing it does not mean that you abandon responsibilities and things that you are accountable to/for.  Change does mean that you should choose to make yourself a priority by taking the necessary steps to bring happiness and balance to the forefront and not allowing negative people or influences to play a role.

Life will be limited for those that choose to limit themselves.  Don't have anyone or anything stop you from making choices that align with what you desire for your life.  Help yourself by making yourself a priority.

I AM a BLACK WOMAN.

I am not one or the other I am both. As a Black woman, all of my exquisiteness is as offended by racism as I am by sexism...then there is also the classism that rears its head based on the racism and the sexism. And Black women seem to be getting pummeled in society by all three! I can say an accelerant for those fires to me is being told not to take it personally. WTH? It is personal!!!

I DO NOT defend the indefensible. So seeing Black women and Black men contribute to the Black woman's destruction makes me passionate enough to ask... what exactly are we trying to accomplish? We assist the mainstream's full blast assault on the Black woman (conveniently after the first Black First Lady) by choosing to publicly and privately tear each other down. No other ethnic group does that!!!! At least not on such a pervasive level. So.... what is our goal because if we destroy the Black Woman...we destroy us all. I can't believe that that is the goal. All human beings have the desire for self preservation, right? Today's society has an overabundance of malice and depraved indifference and unfortunately we have given the okay by our actions to hold ourselves up as "free game" for those who would choose to take a swing. WAKE THE HELL UP!

I am NOT writing this for white America to gain a better understanding of the intricacies of the current relationship between the Black woman and the Black man. This post is strictly for OUR understanding, reflection and acknowledgment that something has to change before it is too late. I love Black people love...which is the reason my main page photo reflects it! That love has to be respectful because when I look in the mirror and I don't love who I am then no one else will. I treat myself the way I want to be treated so that in no way will I ever allow anyone to treat me less than.

Black man... I am your reflection and I will understand all of who you are in a way that no one else can...period. That is not to say that love for someone is bound by the color of ones skin but it is saying that in today's world too many of you have bought into the nonsense that a Black woman is not good enough. Black man... when I pursue my best self (in whatever that may be) that is not a negative for you or towards you; that just means that I'm able to give the best of who I am to you and I have the right to require the same from you. Black man... you WANT me to be intelligent, confident and strong because that means that our family will thrive because of those qualities. Black man... in order to love you in the way that you need, I need to be loved in the way that I need!

Black Woman... being a good woman to a man does not mean sitting back and politely eating shyt with a fork! Dignity and respect are a good thing. Black Woman... loving a man should not mean losing who you are in the process or loving yourself less because the RIGHT MAN does not need or expect you to be less so that he can be more. Black Woman... supporting the Black man does not mean settling for or defending inexcusable behaviors. (Stop that shyt...seriously) Black woman... it is not good to punish a good man for a bad one's behavior. Black woman... owning your sexuality does not mean catering to the male fantasy by putting all the wares on display for the world to see. Black Woman... pursuing your best self AND self-interest is a good thing because it means that you value yourself.

BLACK WOMAN... Despite what current society would have you to think YOU are beautiful and valid in your own right.

The Fashion Industry's Mission to Destroy the Black Woman With Our Help

Hattip to Womanist Musings for the above photos

When I first viewed these pictures I will admit that my head almost exploded and if not for all the cursing that allowed some of the heat to escape it would have happened. If Black women don't understand by now then these pictures should make it perfectly clear that the "white" fashion industry has NO RESPECT for the Black woman because they willingly obliterate our image, with our assistance, by always choosing to portray the Black woman as an animal or fetishistic other! Pictures like these and others is why I say that they have our assistance in portraying us in this manner because we are choosing to be in the photos that perpetuate the BS.

Black women are we so desperate that no matter how our image is depicted as long as it's depicted, it's okay?

I hate to say it but I think that we have been maligned for so long in society that far too many of us have begun to think that something is better than nothing as evidenced by the abundance of repugnant images of black women in all forms of media. Now, I realize that women on a whole in society are sexualized but that is not what this post is about and also no other woman on the face of this earth is as demeaned by society as the Black woman.

Naomi Campbell has spoken out about the discrimination that exists for black women in the fashion industry but she chooses to pose for this picture portraying the Black woman as the animalistic other.





Then there is this photo of Lil' Kim that of course I found disturbing due to the sexual nature but also for the fact that the Louis Vuitton logo displayed over her body to me depicts the same sickening idea of Black people being owned like "chattle"--a slave to the label if you will. WTH?!


I'm not done...I have seen several sites say that these pictures of Rhianna are beautiful (really)...how? All I see is the same ol' shyt when Black women are portrayed on film of any kind. We are the mammy, the sapphire, the jezebel, the animal, the sexual exploit or the abused. The fact that Black women would choose to pose for these type of photos is beyond me. For all of those thinking that I am taking these objectifying pictures of Black women too seriously, I would like to say that you are lost and not taking these heinous depictions of us seriously enough!

Do you see any familiar patterns in these "beautiful pictures of Rhianna?

Our reactions to anything in this country as a people is not the same as our "white" counterparts because after our ancestors were brought here against their will in chains--treated as less than human-- why should they be! To react the same as the "white" woman who has always been placed on the proverbial pedestal whilst we continue to be subjected to all types of indignities... would be choosing blindness instead of seeing what is really happening.

"Artistic" is a word that is thrown around all the time when "they" and even some of "us" try to explain these depictions of our image in this manner. HEAR ME WELL...Artistic applied to the image of the Black woman in these type of photos is NOTHING GOOD! Not in our society.

Our white supremacist society WILL NOT willingly portray Black people as equals worthy of the same respect that they bestow upon themselves! Please wake up and realize that until we take control of our image we will forever continue to be maligned by a society that would choose to demean us in any way that it can.

Black people we grew up knowing that there is always a difference made when our 'white' or 'near-white' counterpart does anything...so why would we behave as if the fashion industry would be any different because that industry has already confirmed that they are not. Black women will never be seen in the same light as white women or other non-black women unless we stop allowing the foolishness of our image being hi-jacked and displayed in a negative manner with our willing participation.

These excerpts are from a 2007 NY Times article.

“Years ago, runways were almost dominated by black girls,” said J. Alexander, a judge on “America’s Next Top Model,” referring to the gorgeous mosaic runway shows staged by Hubert de Givenchy or Yves Saint Laurent in the 1970s. “Now some people are not interested in the vision of the black girl unless they’re doing a jungle theme and they can put her in a grass skirt and diamonds and hand her a spear.”

Agents blame designers for the current state of affairs. Designers insist agents send them nothing but skinny blondes. Magazine editors bemoan the lack of black women with the ineffable attributes necessary to put across the looks of a given season.

“You want to sell the model on the basis of her beauty, not her race,” said Kyle Hagler, an agent at IMG. Yet when he sends models out on casting calls based on what he terms a “beauty perspective,” omitting any mention to potential clients of race, “You always get a call back saying, ‘You didn’t tell me she was black.’”

Oh, In case you were wondering, 2008 and 2009 were no different in the fashion industry. If we want the years that follow to be different we have to be different. Because the status quo is a sad and pathetic state of existence.

As a Black woman in today's society I would rather be considered enigmatic and allow them nothing than to be portrayed as a tragic caricature of my divine self.

Black Women Are Helpmates (If We Choose) Never Doormats!

Race DOES NOT relegate black women to expect less (than any other race of woman) in life!

If you look at some of the articles and blogs here, here and here you would think that we should. (HT to One Chele @ Black 'n Bougie) The black woman's image and character has been so tragically maligned since slavery that a majority of the world feels as if it has the right to label black women as 'less than' so therefore we should want and expect less. What??? I say HELL NO!

Ironically, all women suffer from the same patriarchal 'women are here for our pleasure' society but black women are the most brutalized by it. We have our character assassinated and our bodies objectified and critiqued (by a European standard) on a daily basis in both mainstream society and by black men. This type of treatment is only meant to create insecurity and vulnerability thus making us pliable to ensure culpability with any disrespectful agenda that the mainstream and obviously even some black men dictate. Our varied skin color(s) adds an extra level to the degradation that is inflicted upon us by both society and ourselves. Wouldn't the plantation owners be proud?

This world operates on the premise that men should control everything and therefore they have been allowed to set the standards of what is apropos when it comes to the way women are treated in society. Too many black men believe that black women are just for them to do with as they please and it has destroyed the relationship between black men and black women. In this world, the way the women in a racial group are treated by it's men undoubtedly affects the way that another racial group treats and views them. This is NOT a male bashing post and no I don't think that all men subscribe to this behavior but these are dire times so even one is too many. There is no way in hell that the mainstream would continue treating black women with such contempt and disrespect if black men stood alongside black woman and said enough and started leading by example.

Families being destroyed during slavery created households headed by women that were left with no choice but to find a way to make it in spite of the circumstances. That dynamic generated a strength that has endured in the black culture and no black woman should be ashamed of it. Strength has allowed us to encourage perseverance while enduring the hardships. An education allows all of us the opportunity for better lives and self and black women are no different. Black women want what any woman would want if we choose to share our life with a man--love, family, security and respect. A level of expectation means that you are not willing to accept less than what you think you deserve and there is not a damn thing wrong with black women having that.

Black women and black men need to figure out a way to come together and rebuild a relationship of respect that is rock solid and untouchable. What do you'll think?

Seriously...Love Me or Leave Me Alone!

Black Man...it ISN'T that serious anymore!

Hallelujah...We live in a multicultural world that affords us ALL an opportunity to be with whomever we choose. Just don't try to destroy black women on your way out the door because burning bridges with a community of women that bore you, nurtured you and supported you ain't the way to do it.

Regardless of what the mainstream society may tell you subliminally (or these days down right blatantly) there is no need to put black women down to be better in your life. Doing that is seriously considered slave mentality thinking when you think you have to spit on your own race in order to move up and be accepted in this world. GOD put us all here so that automatically affords us the right to go anywhere and be anything we want in this world. Our ancestors worked hard for our civil rights and black women having to contend with "others" demeaning and maligning us is one thing that we are used to having to fight against but being demeaned and maligned by black men in this society is completely reprehensible. Sorry fellas, no excuse is acceptable

Now before anyone responds about this post being about bashing black men in any way...it is not! This post is about calling on our better selves to do right by each other. We have been through alot together and there is no way we move forward without each other as anchors. I LOVE black men (MEN being the operative word) but there are too many out there that are not standing up for what is right when it comes to the way black women are portrayed or treated by them and others.

So many people are always speaking about black women being so strong and direct when it comes to what we expect for ourselves and from those in our lives but that is a part of our history. It was the only way to keep our families solid. BLACK MEN...you can't have us as your shoulder and your backbone and then expect for us to be less than diligent in ensuring we don't accept less from anyone, most especially you. There is no need for the disdain or animosity towards black women because BLACK WOMEN as I see it...have made this world work for us all not just for ourselves!